In a room full of people I begin to retreat into myself almost immediately. When thinking about my plans for the weekend, I search for time I can spend alone. Being awkward and misunderstood has become a normal occurrence in my life. When I see those around me that are outgoing and popular, I start retreating into my self made hole. The hole where I can’t be hurt or disappointed; where I feel safe and comfortable. The only problem with this hole is that I frequently get pushed out into the light, where real life lives. I have to force myself to pretend, to imitate and to follow. Every once in awhile, I find a place that I can be myself. Or a person that connects. I can live outside the hole but still be me.

All my life I have had to learn to be in the world of extroverts. These are people that enjoy get togethers. They love going on trips and outings. They meet people well and usually make an impression. Not necessarily a good one, but an impression none the less. These are your friends and family that expect more. They are outspoken and most of the time you don’t have to guess where you stand with them. These are the ones that show up for everything. For the fun and the work. I don’t know where I would be without them actually. I would forever be in my hole!!!

However, there is nothing better than being understood. When I am offered a time of solitude. When a gift that is given reflects my true self: a book, a journal, a pair of slippers. When I am rewarded for my quiet diligence: a thank you or a pat on the back.

I am not just “quiet”. I am intensely focused and wildly creative. I am passionate about my work and my hobbies. I want to learn every detail I can to be the best that I can to accomplish all that I can. Work ethic is more important than popularity in my mind. I will do anything I can to help but you may have to ask.

An extroverted person will offer to help first, will speak up first, will never make you wonder what they are thinking or need. They do everything from the inside out.

I have come to realize that choosing to write my thoughts down, helps to get my feelings out into the world, where there is more room to grow. Otherwise, those feelings would stay locked in my head and drown me with poor self-worth and the need for acceptance. I have created anxiety and actual pain in my own body as I tried to fit in or become more like those around me.

Today, I carry a book or crochet yarn everywhere I go. Just in case I need a break from people. Nothing says “don’t talk to me” like a girl crocheting. I don’t feel bad when I turn down an invitation, and I look forward to just a normal workday. I still love my family and need my friends. I understand when they need more from me than makes me comfortable. I try to be patient when they want to hang out, go shopping or other “peoply” things.

I know I have to be a part of this world. To be able to receive joy and laughter and love from others. But remember, I do have alot to give…to a place where I have learned to live from the outside in.