Sitting in anticipation for the car to turn into the driveway. Packing your favorite toy and shorts every other weekend. Missing your mama in the middle of the night. Being painfully aware of the word family.

If you know…. you know. These are just a few of the things that you experience growing up in a divorced home. I can remember promising myself I would never do it to MY children. Yet….I did. Turns out it can be a vicious cycle that children are thrown into by no choice of their own. Somehow, self preservation becomes monument to any other emotion.

A therapist once explained to me that a new family had been formed. A whole new “dynamic”. And if I wanted to be a part of it I would have to conform. So I did what any kid would do. I retreated emotionally enough that I recognized the need to conform but I refused to be hurt by the whole idea. Instead I set out to form my own tribe.

I vowed to have my own home. A place I only left if I wanted to. A place I could do things like I wanted. Meals could be made from the recipes I loved and cherished. Fresh sheets could be a weekly thing…if I wanted it to be.

The air condition could make ME comfortable. My home would be my safe spot.

So it’s easy to understand why I have struggled as an adult to find that home. Each place I have lived, this whole idea has been in the back of my mind. This utopia that I wanted to build.

Finally as a fifty year old woman, I have found that place. The one where I feel most comfortable. It gives me a sense of control that I so longed for growing up. And the funny thing is? I see my children doing this same thing. I watch as they build their own lives. Each of them digging out their own niche in life. The place they can control.

That no one can tell them they have to be different than who they are. Some days I feel hurt and a little sorry for myself that they each have their own life now. That I played a part in their being thrust into this cycle of dysfunction. But I remind myself of my own need to do the same.

Holidays always bring many emotions when you are from a divorced home. Mothers Day is no different. I sat yesterday watching my kids pack up… going back to their own comfort zone. To the place they are building to get to that peaceful, easy feeling we all so long for. I pray they will find it and I ask that they forgive me for doing the thing that I swore I would never do. Maybe you’ve had that peaceful feeling your whole life. Maybe you have no idea what this whole blog is talking about. If so, be thankful.

But to those who know, there is hope of finding that place, of Making a home of your very own. I hold no judgement or Hard feelings toward my kids for trying to do so. Unfortunately, I have been there. But the good thing is I HAVE been there so I know exactly how it feels. So my advice? Keep searching. Keep digging my babies…..You will find it.