Getting help for a problem is never easy. I haven’t shared a lot about certain things in my life just because I have to keep some things private. It is very easy for me to share my heart…even write about it for the world to see.  But mistakes I’ve made and hard lessons I’ve learned I have strangely kept that inside.  Maybe it’s because I know so many people and those involved might not want their lives shared.  Maybe it’s because I am ashamed of how I acted, or the choices I made, or the relationships I destroyed.  As a Christian I believe in a new beginning. I believe God can forgive and forget. I believe I can start over and give Him control and live a life pleasing to Him. But what about the trail of tears I have made.  What about the hamster wheel of life that I have created for myself?

Well, that’s what this is all about. That’s what this blog is about. Giving insight to my story…my thoughts and why I sometimes do the things I do. It’s my way of healing. I think everyone has their own way. And strangely it’s a part of my deepest problem…my need to explain…to gather affirmation…to control what others think of me.  But its the only way I know to deal….so here goes…

Awhile back, I attempted to see a therapist to help deal with some issues I was facing. This therapist really helped me see some things that I had never looked at in my own life. But at that time I still didn’t “get it”. I went back home after each session, with a plan in my head on how things “must” go from there forward. But needless to say, those around me never followed my plan. I went through several broken relationships, some that hurt worse than others and I came out of those relationships scarred but still breathing.  To those around me I know I looked like the victim so many times.  I looked like I was trying so hard, why couldn’t I find someone to work as hard as me at the relationship? As I sat alone, August of 2017, I began to remember the words of my therapist. I began to cry out to God for forgiveness of not trying to understand all that the therapist was trying to teach me. I poured over my journals from those months and months of self reflection and teaching. I began to see a pattern in my life, and in my heart. Codependency had always applied to others that I knew. I could spot it a mile away. Never, had I really thought it applied to me. Until now.

As long as I can remember I have always felt responsible for someone’s happiness. I felt burdened to make choices that were approved by others.  Most times though, I would begin to feel a bitterness about those choices, because sometimes, those choices weren’t  what I really wanted.  I could show love and concern and compassion to someone easily and I know that it was genuine at the time. But soon, those feelings faded and I would begin to let the true feelings show. Of course this led to many problems in my life. I then would feel like I had to make the change I needed to make, even if the other person wasn’t wanting the change. I thought I knew what was best for all.

I loved to feel wanted and needed. But doesn’t everyone? Of course, but my need for this went further than most people. I would sacrifice my own needs and desires to satisfy another. And when I wasn’t enough it pushed me to find a solution.  I felt like I always should have the answer. I likened myself to a counselor myself. I analyzed and figured out everyone around me. Until I had to look at myself. I had to examine my life and what I was doing.

I decided then and there that I wanted to break this chain of approval addiction, this desire to make everyone around me happy. This responsibility I felt to go above and beyond to help others. Now, don’t misunderstand me…these things are wonderful traits if used in a healthy manner. But to hurt ones own self, just to accomplish these things…that is not healthy in any way.

I began to make  boundaries in my life that I refused to let anyone cross again.    I created in my heart a list of emotions that I have to keep in check…empathy, compassion, a desire to help. I still do these things, on a daily basis, but now I am more in control of not letting them get out of hand.

I can’t go back and change my life. I can’t fix all the wrong done by me or to me. All I can do is going forward make better choices and be honest about my true innermost feelings.

Thankfully , God has blessed me with a second chance at love. He brought back into my life someone that teaches me everyday to be myself, to trust that I know what is right for me, and that I am good enough no matter what choices I’ve made. And so begins this new chapter in my life. To some it may seem like I am different, but believe me it is a good kind of different. And if you see me making choices these days…know I am not a martyr nor am I a victim….I am me. And that’s enough.