The sun was slowly fading away. Disappearing into the horizon.  I turned away from the water’s edge, walking toward the sandy white  beach.  I stopped.  I turned back to face that choppy water. It seemed to offer a peace beneath it’s surface…a promise of serenity and quietness down below.  It was late August and the gulf waters were quite warm.  I took a few more steps in.   The water licked my ankles, tickling my legs, and reminded me of being a child and oh how I loved this beach. But that was so long ago that memory faded fast and in its place a pain so deep it took my breath away.   I kept pushing forward until I was tip-toeing. Just let go, I begged myself. Don’t hang on to something that isn’t real. A life you never had. A love that was never yours. A dream that never came true. I intentionally let the water overtake me.  I held my breath for more minutes than I thought I could….then I breathed in. Funny…I thought this was the easy way out…..

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That summer had started normally. I guess as normal as my life could get.  I had just started a new job.  I was working just for the summer in the maintenance department of our small town’s carpet mill.  It wasn’t a very glamorous job, but it paid well and the hours were great for the summer. 6:00 AM to 2:00 PM.  I still had all day to get into trouble! It was great. At first.  But that’s how everything in my life usually started out. Pretty great, then it slowly declined.  Most all of the time it was no ones fault but my own.  So, I got up every day, slid into the tightest jeans in my closet…checked my shirt to make sure it was just sexy enough…you know for a carpet mill… then I put the tease on my curly brown hair and sprayed about a half a can of rave hairspray and out the door I went.  Typical 80’s girl…only it was 1990..

I can remember seeing people who I knew in serious relationships, planning marriage and all I could think was how crazy they were. I was living it up…single, partying every day…and all weekend too. I didn’t have a care in the world. Deep down though, past the curls and the pan-stick makeup was a little girl who just wanted to be noticed.  To be loved and protected. For someone to pick her up off the floor, dust her off and set her up on a shelf for safekeeping. But that someone never came along. Only men that were ready and willing to destroy a little girls dreams.  Oh I take full responsibility for all of my actions that summer. I put myself into situations that were unmistakably stupid. I tempted fate over and over again with my innocence and even my safety. There were some weekends I woke up in a different town…with a different man…but with the same shame and remorse.  Most days that summer I couldn’t even look myself in the mirror.  Something happened inside me. A part of my heart hardened. My soul retreated way deep down away from all the pain that was occurring on the outside.  Where was the girl I knew?  The third grader who wanted to become a teacher because Mrs. Cook was the most amazing person on the entire earth. The spunky teenager that wanted to become a lawyer and save everyone-to fight for those who couldn’t fight for themselves. Or to the young woman, who had made a promise to herself to never let a man have control in her life.  Well, that girl was there. Believe me, she was there…curled up, holding her knees up to her chest…rocking back and forth…with her eyes shut tightly…saying to herself… “surely my prince will rescue me..surely my prince will rescue me…..please rescue me, please.”

But that prince didn’t show up. That summer eventually ended, as did the job. It was time to move on to another phase of my life. But who was I? Who had I become? Did I dare believe the rumors about me? Could I ever be of worth to anyone? What man would ever want me? I didn’t even know myself anymore. Who am I?

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I came up to the top of the water gagging and spitting the salty water out of my mouth. I took a long deep breath of clean air into my starved lungs.  My mind was racing.  Who am I? Who am I? I screamed inside. I had lost me that summer. But deep inside me I could hear the sweet voice of a lady that probably didn’t even know my name.  She had taught me a song in a vacation bible school class so many years ago. The song said, ” Oh be careful little feet where you go…” Oh no!!! My heart dropped. Look at where I’d been!! But its the next line that got me.” For the Father up above, is looking down with love” With love!!! God, the Father, was looking down on me….pitiful, sinful, selfish old me…with love. He wasn’t condemning me, or chastising me or looking down His nose at me. No, He was looking down with love.

I trudged back to the water’s edge. I lay down on the sand and gathered my thoughts. What was the song I had heard a few minutes before? Or had I heard a song? Maybe my mind was playing tricks on me…probably just a lack of oxygen. I couldn’t even think of the tune now. Weird.

The beach was quiet on this end. Everyone else had went on earlier to finish their partying…not concerned about their unusually quiet friend tonight.  They would carry on, none the wiser for what had almost happened tonight. But was I wiser? I was definitely more determined to live.  I had a renewed sense of worth. Why, I didn’t really know.  I couldn’t tell you at that time what had changed deep down inside.  But I felt a twinge of that old girl who once was in there. Whatever had happened that night I was glad.  I didn’t understand it nor could I explain it to anyone, but I sure was glad.